Video game fans took a hit today when Nintendo announced the end of an era for one of gaming’s most iconic characters. No, not Ecco the Dolphin. Bigger than Ecco the Dolphin.
Yes, according to an August 21 announcement from Nintendo, longtime franchise regular Charles Martinet will no longer serve as the voice of Mario, focusing instead on his new duties as “Mario Ambassador.” An ambassadorship is a cushy gig that plenty of higher-ups hope for in their twilight years, and the Mushroom Kingdom isn’t a bad place to retire, but what’s going to happen to Mario? Or for that matter, Luigi, Wario, Waluigi, and all of the other characters previously voiced by Martinet?
The easy answer, of course, is that they’ll go the way of all corporate mascots with too much momentum to stop moving forward: They’ll wind up being voiced by a sound-alike actor. Sure, there might be an awkward “Kermit sounds weird” phase while we adjust to the new normal, but it probably won’t be a big deal. At worst, we’ll get an off-putting reimagining of the character where he sounds like Tony Montana or Idris Elba for a couple of games to drum up support for a return to Mario Classic in Mario Kart 14 on the Nintendo SwitchU.
But somebody forgot to tell Twitter that, and now some social media users are getting mighty upset at the prospect of their favorite falsetto plumber sounding slightly different the next time he crushes a turtle to death.
What’s worse, some users are contemplating what it would be like if Chris Pratt voiced Mario in future video games, a potential outcome as alarming as it is likely — which is to say, not very.
As the rage begins to boil and the inevitable threat of violent boycott makes its way into the air, we remind faithful Nintendo fans to follow Purge rules: shelter in place, keep your doors and windows sealed, and don’t trust anyone who comes to your door. This will all blow over in 30 years when the next Mario voice actor retires and everyone’s mad at the idea that anyone else would ever think of following him.