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6 Movies For People Who Hate The Holidays

The holidays suck. I know I'm starting this article off with a jump kick of an opinion, but they really do. We run around like insane people, going from house to house, visiting people who we feel obligated to visit (usually once a year) and we all spend too much and eat too much. Also, the consumerist angle of it is exasperating. We all start the new year stressed out because we had to buy things for people we love. WHY? No one really knows, but between that and the driving and the hosting of parties and the blah blah blah, we end the holiday season wishing for the sweet release of death. Well, at least I do.

Die Hard

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John McClane will shoot Christmas in the dick. He will take your idea of Christmas and force it to walk barefoot through broken glass. He will shoot you in the chest and spout swear words and cowboy slang at your Christmas party. He will wear a bloodied tank top amid those who wear ugly sweaters. John McClane is anarchy on Christmas. While you are lighting up your Christmas tree, he is literally lighting up an entire squad of bad guys.

Oh, and when you put your star on the tree, this motherfucker is blowing up buildings and jumping out windows. While some of you may say this was his duty and Christmas is secondary, this is still one of those holiday movies that seems to know how bad Christmas sucks. Hell, the office party alone is usually traumatizing. Only more so when terrorists take over and start blasting people.

Personally, I think it is safe to say this was the best Christmas of John McClane’s fictional life. I would rather walk through broken glass than have to banter with people who clearly don’t give a fuck how you are doing on the other 364 days of the year.