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How To Fake Being An Expert On The 9 Movies That Matter At This Year’s Oscars

It’s that time of year again, when movies that got released months ago undertake a marketing blitz, media prognosticators come out of the woodwork, and the mound of sloughing flesh once known as Billy Crystal checks its shadow, to see whether or not it needs to rent a tux. Yes, it’s the final countdown to the 85th annual Academy Awards, AKA the Oscars. It's Hollywood’s biggest night. Our eyes will be locked on the stars, and theirs will be gazing at the industry’s collective navel. The winners walk home with golden doorstops; the losers take comfort in knowing that the same demographic doing the voting is also responsible for letting a spin-off, of a spin-off, of a spin-off of JAG become an actual thing.

Zero Dark Thirty

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By the Numbers:

  • 5: Oscar nominations
  • 94, 95: Rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and Metacritic
  • 88, 13: Millions of dollars earned at the domestic, and foreign box office
  • 0: Director nominations

Major Contender for: Best Actress (Jessica Chastain), Best Original Screenplay (Mark Boal)

Success on the Awards Circuit: Golden Globe for Best Actress. Numerous wins for Best Picture, Director, and Screenplay among city-based, late-2012 awards groups, including the Chicago Film Critics Association, Boston Society of Film Critics, and New York Film Critics Circle.

Synopsis: Condensing a ten-year manhunt into two and a half hours, Zero Dark Thirty tracks the efforts of CIA operatives on a mission to capture or kill Osama Bin Laden. Kathryn Bigelow directs the film as a spare, matter-of-fact investigation, using lead character Maya (Jessica Chastain) as a stand-in for the real analyst largely credited with finding Bin Landen in Abbotabad. The final thirty minutes recreate the assault on Bin Laden’s compound in near real-time, and the film ends abruptly after Bin Laden’s death, leaving the viewer to figure out what to make of it all.

Oscar-appropriate Themes: Hurray for America, shame on America.

Juiciest Piece of Oscar Bait: A reteaming of the writer, (Mark Boal) director (Kathryn Bigelow) combo that won Best Picture, and Best Director for The Hurt Locker four years ago.

Buzz Going into the Oscars: 4/10. During its limited release at the end of last year, Zero Dark Thirty looked to be The Godfather Part II to The Hurt Locker’s Godfather, sweeping awards shows at a pace you wouldn’t expect from a bone-chilling thriller that also sets out to spark discussion. Seems it did the latter too well though; widespread debate over whether the film was pro-torture poisoned the gold-spewing well. Academy voters like movies that get people talking about the movie, not the real world issues the movie was made to generate discussion of in the first place. Bigelow and Boal were already hurting their chances by following up their last success with something that, at face value, seems so similar, but the sheer amount of misinformation, and confusion over what the film actually supports means it’s dead in the water for most major accolades. Boal’s script mirrors Tarantino’s as an exceptional, but tainted work with a fighting chance at winning. The only other big title Zero Dark Thirty has a shot at is Best Actress for Chastain, who has fit more standout performances into her short time in the spotlight than most others can in a lifetime. Bigelow would be a front-runner for Best Director…except they forgot to nominate her, an omission that still manages to standout amid the crowded fraternity of Oscar snubs.

Trivia Tidbit: The film’s title is a military code for 12:30AM, with “Zero Dark” equating to midnight. It roughly demarcates the local time in Abbottabad when the raid on Bin Laden’s compound was initiated.

Talking Points if Your Crowd Loves it: First things first -avoid the T word. It’s a subject that understandably makes people uncomfortable, and debating one of the most important moral dilemmas of human history seems a little out of place when you’ve got the Family Guy guy flop-sweating and flailing in the background for three hours. A film this loaded is hard to talk about at all without pissing somebody off, so stick to the safe topics. Chastain’s performance is magnetic, Bigelow’s direction is airtight, and the climactic night-vision assisted finale would be enough to bag a statue most years, let alone a nomination.

Talking Points if Your Crowd Hates it: Same rules apply as above: don’t jump into political theatre if you have no idea what you are talking about. Instead, claim the film is just getting attention for being the first major release to document Bin Laden’s death, and that the names attached are what’s being recognized, not the movie itself. It’s slow, repetitive, and Chastain’s performance can’t make up for the complete absence of actual character to her character.

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