Gem – The Grand High Witch (The Witches)
As a child, the well-worn caution of “don’t take sweets from strangers” often felt like a mood dampener for the sake of being denied yet another Curly Wurly. After viewing the adaptation of Roald Dahl’s The Witches that can soon change as fear replaces frustration, because it’s actually hook-nosed witches trying to end you.
Sat at the top of the hierarchy of bitches, encouraging witches around the globe to indulge in a light spot of child murder is cinema’s finest broom-rider, The Grand High Witch. Forget your PVC-clad, eyeliner-wearing, cleavage-wobblin’ witches who get what they want by thrusting their fun bags around, this witch makes no bones about it: she’s got a face like a mouldy bag of walnuts. And when one is faced (no, don’t pardon the pun) with a visage which makes passers-by want to get a nutcracker out, it makes sense to steal Anjelica Huston’s face for public outings.
In a similar way that celebrities opt to use only a first name, The Grand High Witch chooses to wield further power and fear in her name-as-descriptor. She’s far more terrifying without a normal first name, which was probably something benign like Brenda. We know this to be effective as every character who has a geyser of exposition for Neo in The Matrix is often called what they are (The Architect, The Oracle, The Washing Machine Repair Man.)
We know The Grand High Witch is ugly, no-named and wants to wipe out children across the planet. But what of her plans, you say? You cannot evaluate a witch’s cinematic presence without the summation of her evil entirety: her dreams and ambitions. The Grand High Witch doesn’t scrimp on the bonkers or on the scale of her crazy. Setting up a conference for witches worldwide, under the banner of the RSPCC (The Royal Society For The Prevention of Cruelty to Children – oh, the hilarity) she reveals her plan.
As is announced early on in the film, children emit a pungent odour only detected by witches which sets their gag reflexes into overdrive and can also make their eyes roll back (very attractive) – so needless to say, The Grand High Witch wants to eradicate all children by essentially drugging them. No friggin’ wonder parents popped in a VHS of this flick when their kiddies’ tantrums flared up. It’s a genius sign of Roald Dahl’s genuine love for children in which he makes it clear that while strangers may appear nice, they most likely want to drug you with choccy bars, turn you into a rodent and stomp on you.
Which, is her plan. Summoning all of the witches to the conference room in the hotel, she demonstrates how her poison works after luring a boy with the promise of a Mars bar and turns him into a mouse. This is where TGHW shines. She’s bonkers. She’s got the leanings of an unhinged criminal mastermind as well as adhering to general witch lore. Why on earth would you opt to turn the children into mice once you’ve poisoned them? Wouldn’t it be easier to just have them vanish in a puff of childlike smoke? No. Not good enough for TGHW, she’s got to embellish and let her imaginative flare have room to be stroked like a black cat with an ego problem.
The Grand High Witch is the epitome of an evil cauldron stirrer: she’s wily, uglier than an ocean of sin and madder than a giraffe trying to pretend it’s a coat rack.
The arguments have been made! Now it’s your turn, head to the comments section and weigh-in on which witch you like the best.
And if you liked this Throwdown, maybe you’d like to check out one of our past arguments, such as Movie Sidekicks With The Most Negative Influence