So wait, are we all still pretending to enjoy theme parks? Are we still romanticizing the idea of getting strapped into an enormous piece of metal and getting shaken around, all while the aroma of vaguely cotton candy-scented vomit permeates the air as some poor kid gets reprimanded by their father for being bad at the carnival games? “No, Timmy, spray the clown in the mouth, and pop the godforsaken balloon, I’m not paying for this again, I raised you better than this!”
Anyway, it doesn’t seem like humanity at large has snapped out of this particular trance yet, but progress was nevertheless made in a big way today, thanks to a truly horrifying event captured by TikTok‘s @chrisxryan during a trip to Portland’s Oaks Amusement Park.
As Chris was out enjoying his birthday with his wife and friends, one of the rides known as the “AtmosFEAR” (because we’re living in a simulation), which swings its patrons in a 360-degree vertical loop, got stuck at its highest peak, suspending its numerous passengers upside down for what would be a tediously terrifying half hour capped off by the arrival of numerous emergency vehicles, according to a subsequent update.
Chris later relayed the fallout of the situation in a second update, in which all the park attendees were evacuated with the offer of full refunds. One of the unlucky ride passengers had to be taken to the hospital on account of the event not gelling well with their pre-existing medical conditions, while everyone else was cleared by paramedics.
To say that fear was the name of the game for those passengers is probably a severe understatement; that event is enough nightmare fuel to power a small city for years on end. Part of what makes such incidents stand out that way, however, is the fact that they’re so rare. According to the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions, the odds of serious injury on an up-to-code amusement park ride in the United States is one in 15.5 million, and that’s not considering how many of those injuries came at the hands of a patron who decided they didn’t need to follow the rules for safety.
Nevertheless, the best way to avoid injury by amusement park ride mishap is to not go on any amusement park rides, which we presume the poor folks on that fateful AtmosFEAR spin will be adhering to for the next little while. See what happens when you try to enjoy an amusement park outside of the carnival games, Timmy? Good, now win that prize or so help me god I will—