All empires fall, but none can claim to have been loved by all throughout the entirety of their existence.
That may have just changed today, because TikTok‘s @hitchcockbae recently marked himself as the most wholesome guru of the modern age, and while “sheep” is usually a pejorative term for a follower, Hitchcock’s disciples are actual sheep, so they’re immune to such insults. As they should be, because this is the sort of absolute monarchy we can get behind.
Over the course of the minute-long video, Hitchcock addresses his woolly subjects with a casual greeting, supposedly not knowing that the sheep have been waiting for the day that they can finally unite under the banner of Hitchcock. The sheep honor their leader with a rousing sea of baas; a reception that their newly-elected chancellor apparently wasn’t expecting.
Further testing his newfound administrative power, Hitchcock speaks to the sheep again, only to be met with the same enthusiasm he did moments ago. It’s perhaps when Hitchcock makes a hand gesture that we humans instinctively understand as “silence” (something the sheep should not be able to recognize for what it is, especially coming from a stranger), and the sheep cut off their voices in perfect unison, does the full extent of Hitchcock’s sheep-specific influence become grasped by him and us viewers.
By all appearances, Hitchcock has yet to sign off on the much-awaited legislation that decrees the maximum amount of wool that a sheep can be asked to provide in a fiscal quarter (specifically, three bags full), but give him time; it’s only his first week in office, after all.
In saying that, Hitchcock would be wise to invest in the well-being of his citizens, given the psychological potential of sheep. According to the British Columbia Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, sheep are highly intelligent and emotionally capable animals; they can recognize up to 50 faces (both sheep and human) and remember them for up to two years, and are reportedly capable of feeling such complex emotions as optimism, pessimism, and empathy. In other words, these sheep—predisposed for compassion and community—likely cast their Hitchcock votes with that in mind; truly, he is a man of the sheep, for the sheep.
And just as well, because one misguided election is all it takes to poison democracy. A less-fit leader would likely end up inflating the sheepdog budget, and subsequently plunge their fluffy taxpayers into a dystopian police state, at which point the Merino resistance would have to fight by the mutton on their backs if their lambs were ever going to have a bright future. Like we said, all empires fall.