10) Sleeping with women is a great way to repress traumatic memories
So you’ve developed a good old matriarchal complex, one of the first steps you need to take on the pin-striped road to Draper-ness. You never knew your mother and you were brought up by prostitutes – good start, I’m sure sleeping with lots of older women will make it go away.
Affairs must be long and messy, involve at least one car crash and several near-discoveries to keep it exciting. You know what’d be hot? Lock your latest fling in a hotel room for the weekend. If you’re going to be a Freudian nightmare, you can at least be a bit silly about it.
9) Children are on par with semi-irritating household pets
You’ve just come home from work, do you really need to deal with your kid’s bullcrap? Who cares if they’re struggling with growing up or chronically stupid, there’s no reason why you should ever have to share a room with them. They’re to be neither seen nor heard unless you’re bored and want to go to the movies, and their constant pestering sorely tempts you to have the words “Go watch TV” tattooed to the insides of their eyelids, but forget enough birthdays and they’ll learn to keep their distance.
Apparently there’s three of them now, but – let’s be honest – when was the last time you saw the youngest one… or even cared?